Philosophy Humor

02/28/15

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The following sage advice is from Will Rogers:
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.  
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."  - Ben Franklin
FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters. 

 

 

Learn to be happy!  It's your choice. 

Of course, being a guy makes it easier to be happy.  Here are thirty-eight reasons this is true:

1) Our last name stays put

2) The garage is all ours

3) Wedding plans take care of themselves

4)  Chocolate is just another snack

5) We can be President

6) We can never be pregnant

7) We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park/ We can wear no shirt to a water park

8) Car mechanics tell us the truth

9) The world is our urinal

10) We never have to drive to another gas station because the restroom is too icky

11) We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt

12) Same work, more pay

13) Wrinkles add character

14) Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100

15) People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them

16) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

17) New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet

18) One mood all the time

19) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat

20) We know stuff about tanks

21) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase

22) We can open all our own jars

23) We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

24) If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend

25) Underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack

26) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough

27) We never have strap problems in public

28)  We're unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29)  Everything on our face stays the original color

30) The same hairstyle lasts for decades

31) We only have to shave our face and neck

32) We can play with toys all our life

33) Our belly usually hides our big hips

34) One wallet, one pair of shoes and one color for all seasons

35)  We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look

36) We can "do" our nails with a pocket clipper

37) We have freedom of choice whether to grow a mustache

38) We can do all our shopping in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

 

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